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Category Archives: Facts and Figures


Post Warning Note – Just for this post theme, I am allowing myself to use a lot of euphemisms that I normally go out of my way not to use. So expect silly sayings ahead.

What To Do With A Big (For Me Anyway) Stiffy When You Are Not Turned On

Last week, I told you about the start of a little Birthday adventure. You can read about that, if you missed it, through the following link.


When using the device in this photograph

And a restraining band, I managed to get my old love pole in a state of standing up, very proudly, whilst having no desire to do anything sexual, either with a partner or by rocket polishing. So I decided to get myself interested, with a selection of my favourite F/x video clips.

Getting To Grips With The Situation

So I had some serious wood

That the vacuum device had left a little larger and a lot veinier than normal

As I started to play a video, I looked at Tommy the Todger, in his ultra expanded state, maintained by a restraining band and wondered if I dared give him a handshake. What was I frightened of happening?

Well, something like that. But I took the plunge and started to explore this strange alien thing with my left hand. To my surprise, The red and purple veins, that I do not normally possess, were softer and more pliable to the touch, than the eye would suggest. So I popped open my favourite Solo, Grown up, Happy Time, assistant.

Enjoying the smell of strawberry and started to stroke Willy the One Eyed Sailor, even though I had no inclinations to do so, whilst I watched a few video clips. After about five minutes, I found that my mind started wandering and the situation became interesting to me.

Side Note

I do not enjoy orgasming. Not to say that I do not like sexual exploits, either solo or with a partner, but I find far more pleasure in taking the journey than arriving. An orgasm just means an end to the fun, for me. Not sure why this is, perhaps I suffer from weak orgasms, it is hard to tell without the ability to experience the same sensations that another person’s body might experience.

Anyway, Back To Choking The Chicken

The videos and my imagination were having the right effect. And the joyful sensation that I normally get from playing with the greasy pole was enhanced a lot by the pole being a more textured than normal. After about 15 or 20 minutes of Cuffing the Carrot and imaging what someone similar to the person in the picture below might do to me.

The inevitable, disappointing climax was reached. But this did not put an end to Mister Stiffy. I felt the bodily juices trying to exit the building, but the ejaculation was stopped by the restraining band. As the orgasm subsided, I was still left with the one eyed monster, in all its enhanced glory. So I broke out more lube and carried on playing five on one. To my surprise, things had developed greater sensation. At this point I broke out an old but favourite fantasy. The one where I am a much younger (but just legally adult) version of myself and am a prefect in a school, who has gotten on the wrong side of the Head Girl (who is also just legally adult). The Head Girl decides to take me in hand, Mercilessly 🙂

After a good fun, further half an hour (that is an estimation of time). The inevitable end game was reached again. And again the restraining band contained the blast and kept things standing to attention. After the show had dropped its curtain, I thought that it was time to bring things to a close and removed the restraining band. I expected the Meat Stick to lay down and go to sleep, but it did not. It lost its little extra length and returned to its smoother, more normal self, but the popsicle did not melt. There was only one way to bring this to an end and I indulged in more videos and self manipulation. At this point, I was glad that I was not with a woman, because Rumpleforskin had become hyper sensitive and I could not have explored a woman’s tender tunnel, under any circumstances. A feather-light touch was applied until…

It was the most impressive pearl fountain that I had ever produced, but I suppose that it was three loads arriving on one train 🙂

A Final Thought

This was an experiment to satisfy my curiosity and that end was achieved. But along the way I did find a way of prolonging the act of self-satisfaction, which proved highly enjoyable. Afterwards, though, it did leave me a little tender and I had to go and find my baggiest under crackers to wear. I suppose every joy cums at a price 🙂



Or Misadventures In A Vacuum – AKA One Of The Most Embarrassing Things I’ve Ever Posted

Post Warning Note – Just for this post theme, I am allowing myself to use a lot of euphemisms that I normally go out of my way not to use. So expect silly sayings ahead.

Regular visitors might remember, that in my post on Monday 23rd of January, I told you about an item that I purchased from an adult shop, as a birthday treat, with some money that I unexpectedly had. The item is something that I do not think that I will use a lot, but I wanted to satisfy my curiosity and this post is about that item.

My New Penis Pump And What I Did With It

Strangely, my curiosity about the effects of a vacuum on genitalia was first perked when I stumbled across a video of vaginal pumps being used in a BDSM scenario. The video is too graphic to post here, but you can see it through the following link, if you wish.


Although I did not find this a turn on, the effects of the pumps surprised and fascinated me. So I did a little research on the subject. I found statements, from women ranging from, these tools helping them to get the best orgasm ever, through to them finding it was just an uncomfortable and slightly painful experience and everything in between. It also got me thinking what the effects on the old trouser snake would be like, with the male equivalent. So when the opportunity arose, I decided to get equipped to find out for myself. And thus started my little Birthday adventure.

So I had some time on my hands, this new thing to try out, but absolutely no desire to do any rocket polishing, that day. But I thought I would just go for it anyway. A bit like the first time vagina pump user in the next link.



The kit had the cylinder, the pump, three sizes of entry holes, for the old one eyed sailor and a rubber penis ring, with bobbles on it, for some reason, I don’t know.

First thing

Could it get a guy, who is not in the mood, up and ready for action? I fitted the silicone mount that was the right size for me (medium size, DAMMIT) and put that on the tube. Then I started to pump. The result was immediate and surprising, the sergeant major started to stand to attention. I continued pumping and achieved an impressive (for me) stiffy, without feeing horny at all. Then I pressed the release valve and the flagpole dropped its colours immediately, as my body was not pumping the blood in that direction, it was being sucked in by the vacuum. Then I thought I would try out the penis ring and positioned it on the tube. I began pumping again and decided to go for it. There are measurements on the tube and I pumped until Percy the porcelain pointer became a bit bigger than normal. Not much, only 5 mm, but then decided to stop. I was experiencing a little pain at this point, but not enough to bother me. I stopped because I was developing veins that I had never seen before and did not want to risk one of them popping and secondly, because the suction on my scrotum was starting to suck one of my two veg into the hole and I had no desire to find out what the effect would be on a gonad in a vacuum. I slipped the ring onto the base of the old fella and pressed the release valve. My bigger and a lot veinier than normal man toy remained as it was. So now the question was, what can you do with a big hard on, when you are not in a state of desiring satisfaction?

Well, that’s one idea 🙂

And next?

I decided not to take a picture of it, tempting as the idea was. Instead, I decided to get interested and inserted (stop your dirty thoughts right there 🙂 ) a flash drive into my computer. This drive has a lot of my favourite videos of hot women raining all hell on the back sides of naughty boys and girls.

Do you want to hear more?

If you want to know what happened next, ask nicely in the comments box and I will consider telling you about it next Friday. If you object to such a post, tell me about it and I will weigh up the feedback and decide if I should post the rest of the adventure or not.

And I found another use for penis pumps

They can unblock drains 🙂



I found some videos, on YouTube, from a guy who wanders around, asking random people sex related questions. This time he was at some sort of American University (I think) and was asking peoples views on submissive men. Here are the videos.

Interesting But Disappointing

It’s Enough To Make Me Weep

And What The Guys Thought About It




A Very Good Presentation Of Some BDSM Facts And Figures From A Doctor

This is a good video to watch, to get some information on Kink related risk figures, from a professional, who I suspect is not one of us, but has been unbiased in giving us some facts and numbers about our types of play. It is a little dry in places, but sometimes you have to put up with that to get good, balanced information. And it is followed by a reward, afterwards, for those in the class who paid attention to the details. Those who did not can report directly to the office of the Head Mistresses 🙂

And A Couple Of Funnies, For The Good Boys And Girls In The Class

I have never managed to have a long term, Spanko relationship. But in the past, I have made the mistake of forcing this round peg into the square hole of vanilla relationships. None of them ended well. But finally, I have found a guy who had a worse time in vanilla relationships, than I did.

Not the best foreplay

And remember to keep the fridge well stocked



Double Pumped Iron, A Sex Toy For The Boys

I have been humming and hawing about doing this review for some time, as it is not spanking related. But I have seen many reviews on Girls sex toys, on female Spanking and BDSM blogs and so thought that it was time to even things up a bit on that front.

What Is The Double Pumped Iron?

This is a non vibrating, male masturbation aid made of soft silicone, contained within a hard plastic tube, with entry points for the penis at both ends. It cost me just under 30 Euros to buy. The full kit that you get looks like this.

One end is designed to simulate a vagina

And the other end simulates an anus

All closed up, it resembles a training weight

The only thing that you need, that is not included, is water based lubricant.

How to use it

Firstly, remove the plastic caps from both ends of the toy, so you have one end to enter and the other end to expel and intake air. Unless you like that “Dead Flesh” feeling, warm the device before using it. I tend to do this by dumping it in a bucket of hot, but not boiling, water for half an hour before I require it. The hard, black plastic easily wipes dry and the vagina end being a bit damp just adds to the realism of the experience. Alternatively, you can hang it on a string for a couple of hours over a heat source, such as a radiator. Do not put it directly on a radiator, as from experience I can tell you that this could melt the silicone. Then apply water based lubricant, to the end that you desire, and insert an erect penis. The rest I will leave to your imagination.

What Was The Vagina End Like?

I was very happy using this end of the toy. It felt as realistic as I would imagine a device like this could be, without being part of an actual woman. Of course, it cannot provide the muscular contractions and other real life qualities of having sex with a real woman, but otherwise, entering the toy and the feeling around the penis, of the walls of the silicone, was surprisingly realistic. This is the fourth such device of this type that I have owned and the main criticism, that I have of the other three, was that they were too “Snug”. Unrealistically tight, to be frank. This type of device was not available when I was an inexperienced teenager, but if they had have been, I would have been doing my damnedest to get hold of one. If I had obtained one of the other ones that I have owned, that would have left me with unrealistic expectations about the internal size of a real vagina, when I finally encountered one. So for the inexperienced, I would get one of these instead, so that you have a more realistic idea of what it is like to enter a real woman. On the whole, I was very contented, interacting with this end of the device.

What Was The Anal End Like?

This is where I am at a bit of a disadvantage in comparing this to a real life experience, as I have never entered another person’s anus with my penis. So I will just tell you what it felt like to me and perhaps someone with more experience in this field can comment on if this sounds like the real thing or not, to them. Entering the anal end felt very tight and as I moved around, inside the device, the entrance point remained tense around the shaft of my penis. However, the internal part of the silicone felt a bit baggy and did not stimulate the rest of my member much. This did the job, but I was not so impressed with the experience at this end as I was at the vaginal end.

And Sanitary Considerations At The Point Of Orgasm

Using the vaginal end, all bodily fluid produced remained within the Toy, until it was removed. This I consider a good thing. Using the anal end of this device, there was a little fluid ejected from the vaginal orifice, so it is a good idea to keep some tissues handy, when using this end, unless you enjoy cleaning the furniture.


This was pretty straight forward, for this type of Toy. Remove the silicone from the plastic shell. Turn the silicone inside out and clean it and the plastic shell in a bucket of soapy water and then rinse with pure water. Pat dry as much as possible and then leave to air dry for at least two hours. Next turn the silicone back the right way out, wipe it clean with soapy water, then wipe with pure water and leave that to dry for a couple of hours. Then use the provided plastic bag and the instructions to reinsert the silicone into the plastic shell.

In Conclusion

The vaginal end of this device was pleasing and as realistic as could be expected of something like this. The anal end was not so pleasing to me, not in the sensation or the potential for making a bit of a mess.

The Report Card

This human body part simulator performs exceptionally well at one end that should earn it high marks. However, it is let down by the other aspects of its nature. One end gets a good, solid A. The other is instructed to report to the Head Mistresses’ office to have its very poor D dealt with.

Other Options

The same company also offers the Steel version of this toy, with a vagina/mouth combination and the Gold version with a mouth/anus combination. I have not experienced either of these.



Spartan Women, The Ideal Spouses

Over the weekend, I listened to a BBC Radio 4 program about the women of Sparta. It was so good I had to hear it twice. It described why Spartan women were my type of Gals. If you want to listen to it, follow the link below.


Unlike many women, in ancient history, they were not expected to be pretty wall flowers, or an extension of their men. But were raised from a young age to be strong and independent leaders. To start with, they exercised and trained to be physically fit and strong. A bit like…

And would take part in many sports, both individual…

and team sports, the same as the boys.

Greek athletes always trained and competed nude, by the way. 🙂 A female Spartan participated in sports including wrestling, long- and short-distance running, horseback riding, hurling the javelin or discus, boxing, and racing.

From the age of 7 they also received a good, academic education

They were also trained in martial arts and combat, from a young age. As their men would spend a lot of time away fighting, they would be the home defence team for their house, town or city and be expected to hold their own in a combat situation.

Spartan women did not normally marry until they were between 18 and 20. Relatively mature, by the standards of that period of history. However, between menstruation and marriage, girls were encouraged to be sexually active, with other girls of their own age.

There were choir clubs, songs and other activities to encourage this. So they came to the marriage bed with a good idea of how they needed to be satisfied.

At home, the Spartan wife would have been in charge of everything, domestic organization, finances, running the family business and everything else of great importance. The Spartan economy revolved around the leadership of its women.

And they did not, as most spouses in the ancient world, spend all their time looking toward the cooking and cleaning. They got their slaves to do that for them.

So in conclusion, Spartan wives were strong, well-educated, powerful women, used to being in a leadership role and they could make that weirdo, hanging around in the park, fear for his life 🙂

This would be so much better than having the Patriarchy. If only history had continued in this vain.